


It's okay not to be

by french_writer



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Mentions of conversion therapy, Minor Violence, Panic Attacks, Trauma, bad day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27659228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/french_writer/pseuds/french_writer
Summary: Nicky has a bad day, but doesn't say anything and ends up having a panic attack at practice. The Twinyards help.Trigger warning: panic attack, homophobia, homophobic language, mentions and flashback of conversion therapy, beating, dismissal of one’s own traumaPlease, do not read if any of those bother you. It might also be better not to read if you have been the victim of heavy homophobia and it still has important consequences on your daily life.
Relationships: Nicky Hemmick & Aaron Minyard & Andrew Minyard
Kudos: 40





	It's okay not to be

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my first language, so please let me know if you notice any mistakes in grammar, spelling, or syntax.

Nicky Hemmick doesn’t have bad days very often. As far as the rest of the Foxes are concerned, he has never even had a bad day. He has, actually. Several times. But he always hides it, except when he’s with Erik.

It’s not that he doesn’t trust them. He does. But they’ve had it much worse than him, and they don’t need him pushing his trauma on them.

So when Nicky wakes up that morning to his obnoxious alarm blearing feeling like utter shit, he doesn’t turn around to go back to sleep. He doesn’t complain. He doesn’t call Erik, who is on an important trip for his work. Instead, he gets up and puts a smile on his face.

It’s a Bad DayTM, he knows it. It’s no surprise, really, he’s been having nightmares about conversion therapy the whole week. A day like this was bound to come at one point. But it will be okay. All of his bad days have been, so far. It’ll be okay.

It is not okay. They’re only halfway through morning practice and Nicky already feels like he’s going to explode. Or burst into tears. Maybe both. Kevin has been yelling at him since practice began, and Jack has been making snarky remarks the whole time. Nicky has tried to find support in the upperclassmen, but they are too busy keeping an eye on Neil, who is having a bad day of his own. The twins won’t meet his eyes, and he’s pretty sure they couldn’t care less anyway.

So he puts himself back together each time he feels a crack in his facade and keeps going. He’ll be okay.

And he is. Not entirely, but enough to keep playing, to keep pretending. Until Jack slams into him near the end of practice. The air is knocked out of Nicky’s lungs and he falls to the ground. He can hear Kevin yelling at him to get up while he wheezes a trembling breath in. Jack leans towards him. “Get your shit together, fag. You’re not worthy of this team.”

It’s the one comment too many.

_“My son is no fag!” His father’s voice is strong and angry. Nicky's eyes well up with tears. He looks up at his mother, looking for support in her eyes. He only finds disgust and tears. No hint of the love he’s always seen._

_“They’ll fix you, honey. It’s for your own good.” “You’ll come back when you’re no longer a faggot.” And just like that, they’re gone, leaving him at the hands of people who’ll break him._

_“You disgusting fag! You’re not worthy of your parents’ love. Don’t you want to go back on God’s path?” He does, he really does, but he can’t help his love for boys. Tears are running down his cheeks. It’s only been two weeks. T_ _he next time he sees his parents, six months have passed and something in him has broken._

_“Hey, guys! Look what I’ve found! A lovely little faggot!” It’s the worst beating he’s ever taken. Even conversion therapy wasn’t this bad physically. He ends up losing consciousness. When he wakes up, he’s in a hospital bed and Andrew has been arrested._

Someone puts a hand on his shoulder. He flinches hard and the hand is drawn back. He doesn’t know where he is. Maybe conversion therapy. Oh, God. Please, not conversion therapy. He’s not sure he could take it again without breaking beyond repair. 

He opens his eyes. Everything is blurry, and he can’t breathe. Are they choking him again? A hand is placed on his neck, and he recoils. A whimper escapes him. The hand disappears. He closes his eyes. He doesn’t want any more pain.

“Nicky.” Andrew’s voice is harsh. What is he doing here? He never went to conversion therapy. “Nicky.” He pries his eyes open. Andrew is in front of him, along with Coach and Abby. “Look around you.” It’s Aaron’s voice. He hadn’t noticed him. “You’re in Palmetto. With us. You’re safe.”

Nicky looks up to Aaron and sees the orange of the stadium. There was no orange at conversion therapy. A wave of relief rolls over him. He’s not there. He’s not there. He finally manages a shuddering breath. It’s still not perfect: too short, not deep enough; but it’s better than the hyperventilating he realizes he had been doing.

No one speaks while he calms down. Andrew, Coach, Aaron, and Abby just stand there in silence. Nicky doesn’t know where the rest of the Foxes are. He doesn’t dare to look around to find out. Now that the panic has receded, shame and guilt wash over him. He can’t believe he broke that easily.

“Will you be okay?” Abby asks. He nods, not trusting his voice to come out as more than a croak. “Okay. Come to me if your ribs hurt.” He nods again. Abby smiles and turns to Coach. “I’m going to go take care of Jack.” And she leaves. Coach turns to him. “Do you want to talk about it, Nicky?” He shakes his head. It’s the last thing he wants to do right now. Coach doesn’t insist. “You should probably consider talking to Betsy. I’ll be in my office if any of you need anything.” And with that, he’s gone too.

The twins stay, though, and they both sit on the floor in front of him, next to each other. Nicky avoids their eyes and fixes his gaze on the floor. “It’s not the first time you’ve had a panic attack,” Andrew says harshly. Nicky flinches. It doesn’t sound like a question. It probably isn’t one. Still, he shakes his head. No, it’s not. “And you’ve had bad days, too.” Nicky cowers. He should’ve hidden things better. “Today is a bad day, isn’t it?” Aaron’s voice is surprisingly gentle, and Nicky unshrinks himself a little bit as he nods. It was, and probably the worst he’s had so far. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?” Because he didn’t want to be a burden. Because compared to those of the other Foxes, his trauma isn’t that important. He doesn’t say any of that. Instead, he just shrugs. Aaron doesn’t insist.

Andrew does. “You’re a dumbass.” Nicky flinches and looks up to Andrew. His face is as blank as usual, but his eyes are angry. “You can’t compare traumas. Especially if the cause is different. You’re stupid if you think you’re doing okay, considering the panic attack you’ve just had. Just because other people have PTSD doesn’t mean yours isn’t valid.”

Tears well up in Nicky’s eyes. He looks down. “I’m sorry.” “Don’t be,” Aaron says. “Just know you don’t always have to be the cheerful one.” Nicky nods. “What happened to Jack?” “I punched him,” says Aaron. “And Andrew made sure that he’ll leave you alone from now on.”

A weak smile tugs at Nicky’s lips. “Thank you.”


End file.
